The Baptism

I tried to be John.
As I soaked in the tub.
Hoping that my sins would get washed away with the suds.
I begged for God to join me.
Hoping that He would keep His garment on.
So I could be the lady with the issue of blood.
I mean the lady with the issue of validation.
The lady with the issue of anger.
The lady with the issue of pain.
The lady with the issue of selfishness.
Low self esteem.
And everything else that equaled why I was pretending.
So I could just touch Him.
And be cleaned.
Be healed.
To not think of the thoughts that would lead to my death.
So I could know that I wasn't alone, and not just be told.
So I could feel His embrace.
To feel something other than loneliness in a full room.
So He could tell me that my faith had made me well.
So my tears could leave down the drain to.
So that Roman's 8:18 could be a reality.
So that I can have congenital insensitivity to anything that does not bring me joy.
I tried to be the one baptizing and getting baptized.
As to say that I was perfectly flawed.
But the water was lukewarm like my walk.
The fences kept coming like hurdles, that I had got too lazy to cross.
I wanted to be John, so I didn't have to be myself.
So that i would have no name like the lady.
Maybe then i wouldn't have to pretend.
Maybe then I'd be okay.
Maybe then my past wouldn't try to catch up to me as I stumbled over who I used to be.
And somehow admire the scars it left.
Then I'd be a new creature.
Then maybe my heart and mind would be on one accord.
Maybe if I'd wash away my detachments from Him, instead of soaking in them.
Instead of wanting to be someone else with their problems.
I just need be myself.
Remember that this too shall pass.
That everything will soon be okay.
Thank Him now for my victory.
Thank Him for my name.
Thank Him for everything that had molded me into what I would be tomorrow.
To be made new.
To have grown as I bathed in what I thought was my defeat.
To be drenched in His goodness.
I didn't need to beg.
He had been there all along.
I just needed to open my eyes. 

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